Je t’aime :)

Someday I’m sure we’ll understand one another.

Someday I’m sure one of us will learn to let go.

Maybe if we’re lucky we’ll be happy someday,

even if we have to go our separate ways.. 

But all these days I will forever cherish.

Though some memories still constrict my heart.

Just know that one day, though I may I perish.

I’ve always loved you from the very start. 

I know we’ve always seen things quite differently.

Always angry with all these words unspoken.

I suppose the way things went, I just broke readily

Without ever letting this heart of mine open.

I should’ve seen things from your point of view

Should have remembered what you’ve been through.

But I was selfish with memories to use against you.

So we never learned to do what families do.

Even though we are broken, never to be perfect

I wouldn’t trade it, not even for a minute.

You’re still the most beautiful. No more regrets.

My family Je t’aime, we’ll grow to believe it.

Sometimes I amaze even myself lol. It doesn’t happen often, but everytime I go back and read the notes I’ve written throughout these years it sort of makes me think “I wrote that?”. It’s funny how many people I’ve been able to help or encourage, yet it’s hardest when it comes to pushing myself. I can’t motivate myself to do the simplest thing, yet other times I can give comfort to a friend who is at the end of their rope. Why can’t I use my own advice to help myself? I don’t know.. 

Life these past 6-7 years has been like heaven and hell. Many good times, yet they are clouded by all the bad times. I’m starting to think maybe Mikael was right that I do hold onto the past far too much. No matter how much I want to let go, it just won’t part with me. Maybe it’s meant to be that way though.. doesn’t the past mold us into who we need to be? I don’t know. I tell myself many things to make the current situation “ok” but like they say, things could always be worse. Who wants to go through life carrying a load of excess baggage anyways.. It just makes the journey all the more harder when you’re trying to go uphill and most likely it’ll bring you downhill pretty quick. 

There’s so many things that need fixing in my life and I’m sure I’ll be busy at it for the rest of my life but I suppose having something to do in life is better than nothing at all. Anyways, that’s the end of my 3 a.m. random thoughts…

Caiolann doesn’t like Justin Bieber lol

I’m tired of trying to make people understand, when they clearly don’t. Now, I will always love my family because I have to, but it’s obvious they don’t know me at all nor do they try to. If they can think those horrid things about me, without feeling bad at all for it - then so be it. I will live amongst strangers.

Maybe one day they will see, that there’s so much more to me. Until then, I’m going to keep hanging onto this life of mine - hoping one day it will amount to something great.

Lord, I don’t know what you want me to do, but please help me through this. I can barely find reason to continue this journey anymore..

Today was a hard day. We were informed that one of my great uncles had tried to commit suicide and had taken some sort of poison they usually use back in Laos/Thailand to kill fish. I’ve seen those videos of Hmong people using that stuff. They  toss it into the water and not much later, multitudes of fish float up, dead. It broke my heart because when I met him a few years back, he was such a kind person. I couldn’t imagine him doing anything like that. He seemed like such a good and loving father too to his children. I had met him when my grandpa passed away and my parents and I all flew down to Sacramento to attend the funeral. He and his wife and 2 young children were the ones to meet us at the airport. They had travelled a few hours from Willow I believe, to come pick us up because everyone else was already at the funeral. During the few days we were in California, they were the ones who stayed with us the most and helped my parents. He and his family left after the 3rd day to go back home and we flew back home to Canada after the funeral and I never saw him again.

Though I am not close with my relatives who live in the U.S. it still pains me to hear another one has passed away - especially in this sort of way. I wonder, what could have been going through his mind to provoke him to do such a thing. Now I am no stranger to dealings with suicide, but I never would’ve thought that a man like him would resort to it. But who am I to judge his character, not even knowing him well.

We’re still waiting to hear any news from them, but from what my mom told me, it doesn’t look like he’ll make it. I was upset, my mind wandered to so many questions. I know death comes to all of us at some point and I am not afraid to die, but in the end it still saddens me tremendously to see it happen. A video I watched earlier made it clear to me - God sent Jesus down to earth to save us all from our sins and he DIED for us. He sacrificed his one and only Son for us, so although people and creatures who are close to us pass away and it hurts us, Jesus was close to God, his beloved Son. Yet still, he gave him up just to save you and me. We could never know how much hurt God had gone through to do that, yet it all was for a purpose.

Every life has a purpose, whether or not we know it now or in the future, no one’s life is pointless. Whether or not you believe in yourself, God always believes in you. He made you for a purpose and it is your job to fulfill that purpose. Some people’s lives are short yet they accomplish so much more than those who lives for years and years. Do not throw away your life so recklessly. Hope sometimes is hard to find, but it is there. We just have to grab hold of it and grow within it. Whatever messes we get ourselves into, they are our own choices and mistakes, so rather than closing the book altogether, finish what you started and turn the page and start again. There is no erasing in the pages of life, but God gives us a new page to start fresh with every new day that comes. We don’t know how long each of our stories are, but that is why you should always cherish everyday. Finish your stories and make it one worth reading.

I hope that my uncle recovers and I’m sure he will if God intends it. If he does, I hope he turns that page in life, and starts a new one filled with love and success. I would not wish it upon anyone that their life story be cut short because they lost hope. With God, there is always hope. ♥

A heart that's hopeful,
A head that's full of dreams..

[Happy moments - Praise God] ♥ 
[Difficult Moments - Seek God] ♥
[Quiet Moments - Worship God] ♥
[Painful Moments - Trust God] ♥
[Every Moment - Thank God] ♥